The Confidence game

The Confidence Game

A long time ago, I started this blog, you may remember it ( I guess if you are here you do remember me, and I thank you for coming back), it was about horses, and farm life, then poetry and just my life. It still exists and I am feeling very called to come back to it. I love the freedom of writing and sharing the parts of my life and heart that I share here.

But here is a secret, I had another blog, (called the Confidence game) a quiet private one that I shared with very few. This one shared deeper thoughts and insights, and parts of my story that I wasn’t open to sharing with the rest of the world. That is where, my fears, and insecurities lived. I shared experiences and insights into where I felt my confidence was lacking or undermined

Also where my darker side showed, the anger I felt and sometimes judgement of others and my response to their judgement of me. I have long since walked away from that blog and those feelings.

They were right for a time. Healing, but not healthy.

So why now am I talking about it? This time in the world is very strange, there is fear and anger, confusion and judgement around every corner, and a lot of those insecurities and inadequacies that I felt have sprung back. Especially in thinking that I wanted to come back to blogging. 

I have tried so many times and I wonder if anyone would still read, but then its about  writing , even if no one reads I can still write.

I re watched Brene Brown on shame and vulnerability and I had a sudden moment of, I don’t know how to put it “DAMN! I FEEL THIS”

I have felt fear and shame about many things and have given power to other’s judgement of me. Even those who sincerely think they are helping or trying to. I feel like they are somehow trying to “fix “or “shape me to their will” maybe some are, but I suspect it is more about my reaction and  connection to old feelings .

So am I going back to that old secret quiet blog? Nope, like I said it was healing but not healthy long term, I felt the feelings, and wrote them out and now it is time to let it all be.  

I looked at my FB feed (grid view)  and I was pleased to see that in the face of all of the negativity out there, all I see on my feed is smiles honesty and joy. Does that mean I never get down? No but I have found my lifelines and I am holding on tight.

Will there still be judgement and pushback in my life? Probably, I am not able to change others, but I can change how it affects me. So I will go on sharing my story, my journey, with oils and with all I am, and I will share my joy

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”

Stay safe and well friends